Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

She was introduced by Regis as one of the 'real housewives'. I have no idea where she hails from, her name, nor what makes her a celebrity other than she is 'real' . She sashayed out with her flat stomach, short red dress, three inch leopard heals, and long glossy hair convincingly portraying what a real housewife should look like. For a split second, I bought it; but as she precariously perched herself onto the stool, tugging at her dress as it crept up, I saw the most glorious thing! Peaking out from under her skirt...she was wearing Spanxs!

Upon exiting the shower the other day, I passed that blasted full length mirror hanging in my bedroom. My initial thought was, "Dang! Who let my mother in?". After realizing it was me in the reflection, I took a deep breath and a good hard look. Stretch marks acquired from bearing four children form a virtual road map across my stomach and hips. Scars, under my arm and across my chest, are a reminder of cancer surgery. The belly fat and saddlebags add depth to the road map of stretch marks. I do not look like the real housewife! "Perhaps," I thought, "I need some Spanxs."

Regular readers of celebrity magazines are familiar with these famous 'body shapers'. Really, they are a girdle, like my mom used to wear. Some strategic marketing executive gave the girdle a sexy name and fun packaging then convinced a celebrity to wear it, thus starting the Spanxs craze. Because I'm pretty cheap, I purchased the Target brand; same thing, different name. The package proclamation promised to make me "Ten pounds slimmer in ten seconds.". Wow!

The first lie I encountered was the ten second rule. It took ten full minutes, not seconds, to pull, tug, wiggle,and stuff myself into the tortuous undergarment. Tucking my fat folds into the griddle was not unlike tucking a shirt into pants, but far more painful. All tucked in, I realized the second lie of ten pounds slimmer. Yes, the fat was securely jammed in, but the amount of spandex needed to secure it took up all the space displaced by the flab. I still couldn't fit into my size 8 slacks. Not to mention the fact that my thighs now showed a distinct indentation where the slimming spandex ended. I felt much like a ball park frank just waiting to burst out of my skin. Yes, my new undergarment did give me the appearance of a before non existent waistline, but I was now unable to sit, bend, eat, or breath without severe discomfort. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I tried to take the slimming device off. It took ten minutes to put on and another ten to take off. I was out of breath. It left bruises. I think I could market the Spanx workout video; twenty minutes a day to a slimmer you! Simply pull on then remove the enclosed spandex apparatus once daily and burn 500 calories! Disclaimer: Please consult you doctor before beginning any excercise regime. The Spanx workout video is not intended for pregnant or nursing mothers or those with heart problems. Seek medical attention if your Spanx wearing last more than four hours.

As I turn back to the 'real housewife', I ask how a woman with an inch of airbrushed makeup, hair extensions, and a phony waistline can be termed 'real'? Does a divorce, a full time nanny, and a job as a celebrity make one a 'housewife'? From Facebook to Hollywood, why does our society encourage us to portray ourselves as something we are not? And more importantly, why do I buy into the lies?

For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, Who is blessed forever, amen.
Romans 1:25

This calls for a trip to God's word to exchange the lies for the Truth, and a trip to Target to exchange the girdle for a 12 pack of Diet Coke.